Sliding Deeper

I tell myself all the time things will get better.  I tell people all the time things are going good or that I'm sure tomorrow will be better.  It might help if I actually believed that.  It's so hard sometimes.  I don't know what to do about it.  I feel guilty and more miserable when I think about it.  I try really hard to avoid thinking about it.  I really fear if I don't do something about it soon it will consume me.  The big, mass of ugly.  They talk about the dark or blackness of it all but it's not that its just...void.  Nothing that just sprinkles slowly over you.  Almost like mist.  I've always thought more in terms of mist or a sudden snow shower.  It's not dark it's just a smother that you can't get out of.  I feel more and more disconnected.  My shiny fascination is back and that scares me more.  I actually took a knife from the holder two days ago and if it wasn't so dull..... I just don't know if I can do anything about it.  It's like I'm frozen on the brink.  I know my isolation doesn't help but I'm so far into it people actually scare me.  I can't face them.  I can't face my family.  Yes, logically I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's chemical or whatever but still a part of me is screaming "NO!!! You are not weak.  You're looking for attention.  You just need to 'man up'!"  I'm so, so glad I kinda hidden my blog.